How do Parents cope with, "Mum, Dad...I'm gay"

Unfortunately, from the experiences I have heard about from friends, coming out is not always plain sailing, and even today, in this so-called 'enlightened society' in which we live, some parents are still more than happy to disown their own children, simply because they can't accept that they were born slightly different from their peers. I have been very lucky in that my own parents accepted my sexuality without question. I'm sure it took them time to get used to the idea, but once they had, the bond between us only became stronger. I wish it could be the same for everyone.

One gay friend of mine, Paul, came out to his parents at aged 18. He had already found a partner, and they were setting up home together. On the night he decided to tell his parents, he couldn't have foreseen the reaction. His father, a burly Scotsman, went absolutely ballistic. He grabbed Paul by the throat and beat him black and blue. He finished his abuse by kicking his son up the street and telling him never to visit him and his mother again. As far as they were concerned, they no longer had a son. Paul had to go to hospital to recover from his injuries, which included a split lip and broken ribs, and numerous cuts and bruises. Some time later, he said it wasn't the beating that hurt, but the fact that he had been disowned. Even Paul's sister was banned from speaking to him, under threat of the same fate. Paul and Mike had been happy together, but Paul never could settle properly. He stayed with Mike for 5 years, but much of the time he was unhappy. When they split up, Paul went 'off the rails'. He started sleeping around, substituting sex for the love he was missing elsewhere. He moved to London, and cruised the gay scene for two years. Then I heard the awful news that he had contracted AIDS, and had died of pneumonia. He was just 26. As far as I know, his parents still don't even know that Paul's dead.

Another friend, David, was a nurse. He came from a wealthy family, and always thought that his family would stand by him when he came out to them. Although his father seemed to accept it, his mother never could. She told David that he should "Stop being so silly" and to "snap out of it". She accused David of only telling them that he was gay just to upset them. David, 18, was still in training at the time and had been living in an apartment in Northampton, his rent subsidised by his mother. She stopped payments on the flat until David "saw sense". Of course he could no more change his sexuality to please her than he could change the colour of his eyes. He moved into the Nurses' Home, and earned some extra cash by becoming a barman part-time. He passed all his exams and became a State Registered Nurse. Two years passed.
One day, his mother rang him to tell him she was coming into town, and had booked lunch for them. She needed to see him, she said. David had seen less and less of his parents because if he did visit them, his mother would always start a row. On this day, strained as it was, the two met for lunch. They talked of David's father, and his own career, and his hopes for the future. His mother was polite and softly spoken, even as she announced to David that after a long discussion with his father, they had decided to write him out of their wills. IF David ever "decided to end this obsession he seemed to have with men, and found himself a nice girl to marry, they may reconsider". David stared at his bouffanted, fur-laden mother with disbelief. He quietly got up from his seat, picked up his plate of salmon and salad, and plonked it squarely upside-down over his mother's head. He turned to her as he left, she sitting there agape with bits of lettuce and mayonnaise running down her hair and fur coat, and simply said, "Goodbye Mother". He never saw her again.
David applied for and got a job as a steward on Britannia Airways and travelled the world. He was very good-looking, and was never short of willing partners, but unfortunately, he had one too many. He too contracted AIDS, and died at aged 28.

My point is not that every gay man is destined to contract AIDS, and indeed the gay community these days are more responsible than heterosexual society when it comes to taking precautions, but that maybe if Paul or David had been shown love and support from the people who mattered most to them, they may not have felt the need to continually seek validation from many partners.
Although true stories, these two friends are in the section marked 'Worst Possible Scenario'. Lots of gays and lesbians ARE given that much-needed love and support from their parents and families, and live long and healthy, happy lives. Even without that support, thousands find their own niche in life, and manage to survive quite happily without their birth family around them. They create their own 'families' of partners and like-minded friends, or enlightened straight friends. As the saying goes, you can choose your friends when you can't choose your family.

However, isn't it much better for people, whatever their gender or sexual orientation, to have both family and friends around them? If parents would be open to the fact that maybe not all their children will grow up to suit the mould that they imagined for them, they could find that a new closeness could come from the openness and honesty that their children have shown them in coming out to them. It is probably the hardest thing that a gay person has to do, and much courage is needed. Nobody wants to be a disappointment to their parents, but at the same time they have no choice in how they were born.

I recently had a straight friend at work who told me that his son had just come out to him, and although he was fine with it, he felt he didn't know enough about the subject. Because he wanted to be strong for his son, and not be seen to be floundering, I collated some information for him from both the American and British websites set up by parents of gay offspring, called PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) consecutively. If you are a parent, friend or family member of someone who has just declared their sexual orientation, and are wondering what to do next, maybe the following could be of some use. Have a good day, and keep smiling...it's NOT the worst thing that can happen :-)
Rob.

What do you do when you first find out that your child is gay, lesbian or bisexual?
If you're like many parents, your first reaction is "How will I ever handle this?" Most parents aren't prepared for the words, "Mum, Dad. I'm gay."Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG-US, FFLAG-UK) is here for you. We hope this information will help you understand your child's sexuality and its meaning to you and your continued relationship with your son or daughter. Our members consist of parents, families and friends of gay, lesbian and bisexual people. We most likely have been through much of what you are now feeling. We understand. We can tell you with absolute certainty that you're not alone. According to some statistics, one in every ten people in this country and around the world is gay. Therefore, approximately one in four families has an immediate family member who is gay, lesbian or bisexual, and most families have at least one gay, lesbian or bisexual member in their extended family circle. That means that there are plenty of people out there you can talk to. We can tell you from experience that talking about it really helps. There are books to read, telephone helplines to call and people to meet who, by sharing their own experiences, can help you move forward. And FFLAG can connect you with the information and support services you need. The second thing we can tell you is that — if you wish — you will emerge from this period with a stronger, closer relationship with your child than you have ever had before. That's been the case for all of us. But the path to that point is often not easy. Some parents were able to take the news in their stride. But many of us went through something similar to a grieving process with all the accompanying shock, denial, anger, guilt and sense of loss. So if those are the feelings with which you're dealing, they're understandable given our society's attitudes towards gays, lesbians and bisexuals. Don't condemn yourself for the emotions you feel. But, since you love your child, you owe it to him or her — and to yourself — to move toward acceptance, understanding and support. While it may feel as if you have lost your child, you haven't. Your child is the same person he or she was yesterday. The only thing you have lost is your own image of that child and the understanding you thought you had. That loss can be very difficult, but that image can, happily, be replaced with a new and clearer understanding of your child. If your child is young, coming to an understanding with him or her may be crucial. Gay, lesbian and bisexual youth who are shut out by their parents have a comparatively high incidence of suicide and drug and alcohol abuse. Some teens protect themselves by putting as much distance between themselves and their parents as possible. If your son or daughter "came out" to you voluntarily, you're probably more than halfway there already. Your child's decision to be open and honest with you about something many in our society discourage took a tremendous amount of courage. And it shows an equally tremendous amount of love, trust and commitment to their relationship with you. Now it's up to you to match your child's courage, commitment, trust and love with your own.

Is my child different now?
We think we know and understand our children from the day they are born. We're convinced that we know what's going on inside their heads. So when a child announces "I'm gay," and we hadn't a clue — or we knew all along but denied it to ourselves — the reactions are often shock and disorientation. You have a dream, a vision of what your child will be, should be, can be. It's a dream that is born of your own history, of what you wanted for yourself growing up, and especially of the culture around you. Despite the fact that a significant portion of the population is gay, society still prepares us only with heterosexual dreams for our children. The shock and disorientation you may feel is a natural part of a type of grieving process. You have lost something - your dream for your child. You also have lost the illusion that you can read your child's mind. Of course, when you stop to think about it, this is true for all children, straight or gay. They're always surprising us. They don't marry who we might pick for them; they don't take the job we would have chosen; they don't live where we'd like them to live. In our society, though, we're better prepared to deal with those circumstances than with our child's "non-traditional" sexual orientation. Keep reminding yourself that your child hasn't changed. Your child is the same person that he or she was before you learned about his or her sexuality. It is your dream, your expectations, your vision that may have to change if you are to really know and understand your gay loved one.

Why did he or she have to tell us?
Some parents feel they would have been happier not knowing about their child's sexuality. They look back to before they knew and recall this time as problem-free— overlooking the distance they often felt from their child during that time. Sometimes we try to deny what is happening — by rejecting what we're hearing ("It's just a phase; you'll get over it"); by shutting down ("If you choose that lifestyle, I don't want to hear about it"); or by not registering the impact of what we're being told ("That's nice, dear, and what do you want for dinner?").
These are all natural reactions. However, if you did not know the truth about your child's sexuality, you would never really know your child. A large part of his or her life would be kept secret from you, and you would never really know the whole person. It is important to accept and understand your child's sexuality because homosexuality and bisexuality are not a phase. While people may experiment for some time with their sexuality, someone who has reached the point of telling a parent that he or she is gay is not usually going through a phase. Generally, he or she has given long and hard thought to understanding and acknowledging his or her sexual orientation. So if you're wondering, "Is she sure?" the answer will almost always be "yes." Telling a parent that you think you're gay involves overcoming too many negative stereotypes and taking far too much risk for anyone to take that step lightly or prematurely. The fact that your son or daughter told you is a sign of his or her love and need for your support and understanding. It took a lot of courage. And it shows a very strong desire for an open, honest relationship with you — a relationship in which you can love your child for who he or she is, rather than for who you want him or her to be.

Why didn't our child tell
us before?
One difficult realisation for you may be the recognition that your child has probably been thinking this through for months, even years, and is only now telling you. It's easy to misinterpret this as a lack of trust, lack of love, or a reflection on your parenting. And it's painful to realise that you don't know your child as well as you thought you did, and that you have been excluded from a part of his or her life. To some extent, this is true in all parenting relationships whether the child is gay or straight. There's a necessary separation between parent and child as the child moves toward adulthood. Your child may reach conclusions you would not have reached, and will do it without consulting you. But, in this case, it is particularly hard because the conclusion your child has reached is so important and, in many cases, so unexpected. You may have been shut out of your child's thinking for a long period of time. Gay people may hold back from their parents as long as possible because it has taken them a long time to figure out what they're feeling themselves. In other words, gay, lesbian and bisexual youth often recognise at an early age that they feel "different," but it may take years before they can put a name to these feelings. Because we still live in a society that misunderstands or is fearful of gay people, it takes time for them to acknowledge their sexuality to themselves. Gay people have often internalised self-hate or insecurity about their sexual identity. It may take time for someone to think through and work up the courage to tell a parent. Even if you feel your child should have known they could tell you anything, remember that our culture's treatment of homosexuality says, "Don't ask, don't tell."
So, even as you may grieve for not having been able to help your child through that period — or even if you believe that the outcome would have been different if you had been involved earlier — understand that your child probably could not have told you any sooner. Most importantly, doing so now is an invitation to a more open and honest relationship.

Why is my child gay?
Parents often ask this question for a number of reasons - they may be grieving over losing an image of their child; they feel they did something wrong; they feel that someone "led" their child into homosexuality; or they wonder if there is a biological cause of homosexuality. Some parents react with shock, denial and anger to the news that their child is gay. One response is to wonder, "How could he do this to me?" This is not a rational reaction, but it is a human response to pain. We liken this reaction to a grieving process. Here, you are grieving over losing an image of your child. As you work through your feelings, you may discover that the only thing your child has "done" to you is to trust that your relationship could grow as a result of you knowing the truth about him or her. You may feel that your child has been led into homosexuality by someone else. It is a popular misconception that homosexuals "recruit." The truth is that no one "made" your child gay. He or she has most likely known that he or she was "different" for a very long time — no person or group of people "converted" your child. Other parents believe feel that their parenting is the cause of their child's sexual identity. For years, psychology and psychiatry have bandied around theories that homosexuality is caused by parental personality types — the dominant female, the weak male — or by the absence of same-gender role models. Those theories are no longer accepted within psychiatry and psychology, and part of FFLAG/PFLAG's work focuses on erasing these myths and misconceptions from our popular culture. Gay people come from all types of families. Some have dominant mothers, while others may have dominant fathers. Gay men, lesbians and bisexuals are only children and they're youngest, middle and oldest children. They come from families with siblings who are gay and families with siblings who are not gay. Many come from what society would consider "model" families. Many parents wonder if there is a genetic or biological basis to homosexuality. While there are some studies on homosexuality and genetics, there are no conclusive studies to date on the "cause" of homosexuality. In the absence of this data, we would encourage you to ask yourself why it is important for you to know why. Does support or love for your child rely on your ability to point to a cause? Do we ask heterosexual people to justify their sexuality that way? Remember that gay, lesbian and bisexual people exist in every walk of life, religion, nationality and racial background. Therefore, all gay people, like straight people, are very different and have come into their sexual identity in very different ways. Although we may be curious, it is really not that important to know why your child is gay in order to support and love him or her.

Why am I uncomfortable with his or her sexuality?
The apprehension you may feel is a product of our culture. Homophobia is too pervasive in our society to be banished easily from our consciousness. As long as homophobia exists, any gay person and any parent of a gay, lesbian or bisexual youth has some very real and legitimate fears and concerns. Many parents may confront another source of guilt. Parents who see themselves as "liberal," who believe they have put sexual prejudice behind them — even those who have gay friends — are sometimes stunned to recognise that they are uncomfortable when it is their kid who is gay. These parents not only have to grapple with deep-rooted fears of homosexuality, but also have the added burden of thinking they shouldn't feel the way they do. It helps to concentrate on real concerns - what your child needs most from you now. Try not to focus on the guilt. It is baseless, and it accomplishes nothing for yourself or for your child.

Should we consult a psychiatrist or psychologist?
Consulting a therapist in the hopes of changing your child's sexual orientation is pointless. Homosexuality is not a disease to be "cured." Homosexuality is a natural way of being. Because homosexuality is not "chosen," you cannot "change your child's mind." The British Psychological Association and the British Medical Association have taken the official position that it would be unethical to even try to change the sexual orientation of a gay person. In 1997, the British Psychological Association again publicly cautioned against so-called "reparative therapy," also known as conversion therapy. But there are situations where it can be helpful to consult people experienced with family issues and sexual orientation. You may want to talk to someone about your own feelings and how to work through them. You may feel that you and your child need help communicating clearly through this period. Or you may recognise that your child is unhappy and needs help with self acceptance. Once again, gay people often have trouble accepting themselves and their sexual identity. In this circumstance, self-rejection could be a dangerous emotional state. In all of these cases, you have a number of options and resources. PFLAG/FFLAG members, either individually or in support groups, can provide you with the information, space and resources you may need to build a stronger relationship with your gay child. A therapist can also provide the confidentiality and, to a degree, the anonymity that you may feel you need at first. PFLAG members may be able to suggest a therapist that has helped their families. There are a variety of resources for help, information and advice. We encourage you to explore your options and to use those best suited for you and your family.

Will my child be ostracised,have trouble finding or keeping a job, or even be physically attacked?
All of these things are possible. It depends on where your son or daughter lives, what kind of job he or she takes — but attitudes toward homosexuality have begun to change, and are now changing relatively quickly. There are many places where your child can live and work relatively discrimination-free. Unfortunately, societal change is often slow — just look at how long it took for women to achieve voting rights in this country. Progress is often also accompanied by backlash. Until more individuals and more organisations become advocates for gay rights, until homophobia is eradicated in our society, your child does face some significant challenges.

How do I reconcile this with my religion?
For some parents, this may be the most difficult issue to face. For others, it's a non-issue. It is true that some religions continue to condemn homosexuality. But even within these religions, there are respected leaders who believe that their church's position of condemnation is beyond reason. In 1997, the U.S. Catholic bishops issued a pastoral statement urging parents to love and support their gay children. In a 1994 pastoral letter, the U.S. Episcopal bishops wrote, "As it can be for heterosexual persons, the experience of steadfast love can be for homosexual persons an experience of God." Many mainstream religions have now taken official stands in support of gay rights. Some have gone further. The Methodist Church, for example, has developed a network of reconciling congregations welcoming gays, lesbians and bisexuals. Since 1991, the United Church of Christ has had a denominational policy stating that sexual orientation should not be a barrier to ordination. In the Episcopal Church, the denomination's legislative body has declared that gay people have a full and equal claim with all other people upon the church.You will still hear people quote the Bible in defence of their prejudice against gay people. But many Biblical scholars dispute any anti-gay interpretations of Biblical texts.

This is only my opinion, but I hope it makes some sort of sense. Humans are social animals, and within the societies that it creates, it has many 'tribes'. When I say tribes, I mean that whether it be a sports team, a political party or a particular church group, people love to belong! They want to be part of the group and although they may have their individual thoughts and ideas that go against the mainstream train of thought within their group, they suppress them rather than be derided by their peers. So long as you all agree on a theme, you have the power and safety of numbers. It's warm and it's cosy, and for some people, it seems impossible to change. If your sports team hold a particular player in very high esteem, but you don't really agree with them, you are unlikely to say so for fear of being howled down. Similarly, if you belong to a church group and you have a Preacher who regularly bangs his gavel and shouts that 'All gays will burn in hell!' or 'God hates gays!', you are highly unlikely to stand up and disagree with his view. What organised religion needs is more free-thinkers, rational and reasonable people, who realise that using God's name to spread hatred is surely not what the Bible was originally intended for. We live in hope...

What about HIV/AIDS?
While AIDS initially spread fastest among gay and bisexual men, and drug users who shared needles, all people and communities now face the threat of AIDS. Therefore, every parent needs to be concerned about HIV/AIDS — whether your child is gay or straight. You should make sure your child understands how AIDS is transmitted and how to protect him or herself. With teenagers becoming sexually active at younger ages, and with AIDS still spreading, no parent can afford to ignore the danger or assume his or her child is safe. If your child is presently HIV positive or has AIDS, he or she now needs your support more than ever. You should know that you are not alone. There are numerous local and national organisations that can help you with medical, psychological and physical care. PFLAG can refer you to other parents and families in similar situations, and resources specific to your needs. At this point, your relationship with your child can become even closer but your family will have to learn to adjust to the physical and emotional circumstances of your child's changing health.

This may be a sweeping statement on my part, and if anyone disagrees, I am sorry but it is only my opinion. All men, gay or straight are , let’s say, quicker to excite, so with the new-found gay liberation of the late ‘70’s, and gay men congregating in certain areas, it was like a slow-release time-bomb waiting to go off. A lot of gay men had more sexual partners simply because they could, they wanted to, and sex was freely available. It is true that the first cases showed up in California and New York, and because of the high populations of gay men in those places, the infection spread. The reason that Aids came to the public’s attention in 1981 was because of bad tabloid journalism labelling the infection The Gay Plague. They did the rest of society a HUGE disservice by inferring that Aids only attacked gay men. It also gave the religious bigots more ammunition, coming out with theories that Aids was a punishment from God. This was nonsense of course, but the myth was already in the public consciousness. Aids of course does not discriminate, and doesn’t care which type of human being it infects.

To bring the statistics up to date, this is how things are looking globally. I am quoting figures gleaned from UNAIDS/World Health Organisation Epidemic update from November 2006.

Around the world, 11% of HIV infections are babies who have been infected by their mothers.
10% are from drug use, sharing infected needles
Between 5 and 10% are due to sex between men.
5% occur through health care and hospitals
but around 66% , or two thirds of all new HIV cases are between men and women

Around half the people who are infected become so before their 25th birthday, and without antiretroviral antibiotics typically die of Aids related disease before they are 35.
What may come as a surprise is that 95% of all new HIV cases are found in developing countries, Africa being the worst hit. Because of poor healthcare, poverty and lack of prevention measures, numbers continue to rise there.

Because of antiretrovirals used in high income countries, the lifespan of HIV sufferers is increasing, but although they may slow up the onset of full-blown aids, they are no picnic. I have a friend who lives in Holland who is HIV positive, and he has to take the antiretrovirals every day. This consists of a cocktail of 27 different tablets and capsules every day. The side-effects that he suffers are nausia, total fatigue and lack of strength. He cannot work and sometimes sleeps 16 hours or more a day.

So, obviously the message is to NOT get infected in the first place! This warning is for parents of ALL children, but it seems at this time more so for heterosexuals than homosexuals, who have become more aware and generally MORE cautious when it comes to using protection.

The bottom line is education. If you would like to know the best ways of preventing the spread of Hiv/Aids, simply go online and look for the relavant information. A website I would recommend is http://www.avert.org/prevent-hiv.htm

Are there special legal concerns for my child?
A number of laws regulating sexual behaviour are still on the books in some states of America, some dating back to the last century. According to these laws, some or all homosexual behaviour is illegal as are many heterosexual behaviours. Many states have repealed these laws; others have not. While enforcement is usually rare among individuals, anti-gay and sodomy laws are often used against gay, lesbian and bisexual people in custody disputes, legal actions and attempts to discriminate against individuals on the basis of sexual orientation. There is hope, however. Many cities, towns and whole countries have worked both to decriminalise homosexual behaviour and recognise homosexuality as natural. These jurisdictions have taken measures to ensure non-discrimination.

We have accepted the situation, but why must they flaunt it?
Gays, lesbians and bisexuals are often accused of "flaunting" their sexuality when they "come out" as gay, when they are publicly affectionate with a same-sex partner, or when they wear gay symbols and T-shirts or participate in gay pride parades. In a world that still assumes all people are heterosexual, "coming out" is the only way gay, lesbian and bisexual people can make their sexual orientation known. And "coming out" is often considered a positive way to avoid societal invisibility that can lead to internalised self-hate or lack of self-esteem. You may be uncomfortable with your child's public displays of affection with his or her same-gender partner. Bear in mind that all couples — straight and gay — often show affection publicly because they feel love and appreciation for their partner. But stop and think — are you as uneasy about heterosexuals showing affection in public? In these two instances, "flaunting it" may only be behaving in a relaxed, natural fashion in public. In other circumstances, it may be a political decision to assert one's sexuality by wearing a T-shirt or participating in a public event. In cultures that either ignore homosexuality or deride it, stressing one's sexuality publicly can be an important act of self-affirmation. If you worry about possible negative reactions to any behaviour that identifies your child as gay, keep in mind that some gays, lesbians and bisexuals will, of course, censor their own behaviour because they share those fears. But it is up to your child to make those decisions for him or herself.

Will my child have a family of his or her own?
Long-time gay and lesbian couples perceive their relationship as just as committed and as much a family as married heterosexuals. Many couples hold commitment Ceremonies to celebrate their relationship formally, in the company of friends and family. A number of state and local governments now recognise same gender partners. Increasingly more companies, including IBM and American Express, also provide "domestic partner" health coverage and benefits. And more gay and lesbian couples are also becoming parents. Some lesbians have used artificial insemination to conceive a child that they can raise with their partner. Some gay men and lesbians, who came out after they had been involved in heterosexual relationships, are raising the children from those relationships with their gay partners. Also, more and more gay couples are adopting children together.

How do we tell family and friends?
Just as "coming out" is difficult for gay people, the coming-out process is equally difficult for parents. Many, upon learning their child is gay, go right into the closet. As they struggle with accepting their child's sexual orientation, they often worry about other people finding out. There is the challenge of fielding such questions as, "Has he got a girlfriend?" and "So when is she going to get married?" Many of us found that our fears were far worse than reality. Some of us held off for years in telling our own parents — our children's grandparents — only to have them respond, "We knew that quite a while ago." Our advice to you is the same advice we give to gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals. Learn more about the changing attitudes within medical, psychiatric, religious, professional and political circles. There are plenty of "authorities" you can quote as allies in defence of equal rights for gay people. There are hundreds of famous gays, lesbians and bisexuals who have made lasting contributions to our world. Remember, even with so many gay people keeping their sexual orientation hidden, there are still many names you could cite.






(See the end of this blog for a link to a website full of famous gays and lesbians - Rob)
It also means that you probably already know many gay people. Practice what you would say just like you might practice for a public speaking engagement, for a job interview, for boosting your assertivness, or for anything new to you that makes you afraid or nervous. One parent says, "I used to go in the bathroom and close the door and practice saying to the mirror, 'I have a lesbian daughter' and saying it with pride. And it helped. But you really do have to practice." Talk to people who understand your concerns. PFLAG members may be helpful to you in discussing their own experiences. Contact the national office or a local PFLAG leader to learn more about PFLAG's extensive network of several hundred chapters in the U.S. and abroad. You may get some negative or, at the least, insensitive comments from relatives, friends or co-workers. But you'll probably find that those comments are fewer than you now fear. Remember that your child has been down this road already. He or she may even be able to help. And remember also that who you tell about your child's sexuality should be a decision that both of you discuss and reach together.

What will the neighbours say?
This could be a very real concern, especially for families who consider themselves part of a close community or in areas where fundamentalist religions are strong. But gay, lesbian and bisexual people come from families from all corners of the earth, from every culture, religion, ethnic group and occupation. One parent says, "I thought I was the only mother in Tulsa, Oklahoma who had a lesbian daughter. And then, as I started speaking out on the issue, other parents started coming forward. And now, every time someone says to me, 'I need to talk with you,' I know exactly what's coming up."
Again, you may very well encounter reactions that are difficult to take. But often, PFLAG members encounter reactions like... "I thought I was the only one."

How can I support my child?
As a parent, you have to take care of yourself and your child. PFLAG is here to help you with your individual needs so that you can be an even better parent. Reading this information is the first step to supporting your child — you have shown that you are open to new information and hopefully you are now better informed. Supporting your child now should be a natural extension of your general support as a parent. We need to talk, listen and learn together. Every child needs different things from his or her parents. It is up to you to learn how to communicate with him or her about their needs and issues surrounding sexuality. Some parents find that they are better able to understand and support their child by recognising the similarities and differences in their own life experiences. In some cases it may help to talk about how you have dealt with hurtful incidents. But in other cases you must recognise that discrimination based on sexual orientation is hurtful in a unique way. Here, you can support your child by educating yourself as thoroughly as possible about homosexuality and by helping to bring it out of hiding in our society. It's the hiding that allows the prejudice and discrimination to survive.

Will I ever learn to deal with this new knowledge?
A psychiatrist answered the question this way, "Once most people adjust to the reality of their child's sexual orientation, they feel like they've had a whole new world opened to them. "First, they become acquainted with a side of their child they never knew. They now are included in their child's life. Usually, they get closer. And the parents begin to meet the gay community and understand that these are people just like any other community." Another way to answer this question is to let some parents speak for themselves...

"It's really important to talk about it, to know that you're not alone, that there are other people who have had this experience and are dealing with it in a positive way. And the benefit is that you establish a good relationship with your child. Parents want to parent. They don't, generally speaking, want to be isolated from their kid."— Mother of a lesbian daughter

"I hit a point where I was feeling sad and thinking what would I say when people asked, 'How is Gary?' And then it occurred to me, Gary's fine. I'm the one who's not. And once I reached that point, it was easier...as we met Gary's friends, we found them to be wonderful people and realised that he's really part of a pretty terrific community. So what's the problem? It's society's problem. That's when we figured we were over the hump."— Mother of a gay son

"I was teary-eyed for three months off and on. But we've always had a very good relationship. It has never changed from that. We never had an instant's question of our love for him, and we both assured him immediately that we loved him. And since then, our relationship with our son is strengthened, because we have a bond simply because we know what he is up against in our society."— Mother of a gay son

"I'd say that reading and learning more about sexual orientation is what helped me most...laying to rest some of the myths I had heard....So the more I learned, the angrier I got, and the more I wanted to change society instead of my son."— Mother of a gay son

"I think the turning point for me was when I read more about it, and read that most kids who can accept their sexuality say they feel calmer, happier and more confident. And of course, that's what I wanted for my child and I sure didn't want to be what was standing in the way of that."— Father of a gay son

"For me, it was my son's saying to me, 'Dad, I'm the same person I was before.' Now it's been six months, and I realise even more that really, nothing has changed in his life. It was our perception of him, I guess."— Father of a gay son

"I have to tell you, there are so many pluses now. You begin to recognise what an incredible child you have to share this with you and to want you to be a part of their lives.... Look at the trust that has been placed in your hands and how much guts it took to do that."— Father of a lesbian daughter

The following letters were printed in the British Press.
An open letter to concerned parents.

Dear Mr & Mrs Smith,
I understand that your daughter Jane has just told you that she is lesbian. I am a mother too and I think I can understand how you are both feeling just now. I expect that you are both confused and finding that you know next to nothing about the subject. Homosexuality has been such a hidden and taboo subject that most heterosexual parents find themselves in the same predicament.We have our heads so full of misinformation and stereotypes carefully taught to us over many years of living in a highly prejudiced society. A society that is strongly influenced by ancient religious ideas, and it is a long journey to begin to understand.It has taken all Jane's courage and trust in you to finally tell you the truth about the person she really is. Your daughter has not chosen to feel this way, she just grew up gradually realising that she was different as her sexuality developed. Pretty much like you and I did, only we happened to fancy the opposite sex. Adolescence is such a difficult time anyway and Jane has had to face the added fear of rejection by friends as well as parents and family, perhaps even scorn and abuse from those she has grown up with. She has come through all of this and has been brave and honest to tell you, the people closest to her and most important in her life.You might be blaming yourselves but there really is no need. Homosexuality is something that happens in millions of families, families just like yours and mine. There is nothing you have done or failed to do which has made your daughter lesbian. Parents organisations like Fflag are in a unique position to detect any common factor when a child is gay and there isn't one. We have met up with every conceivable kind of family over the years and all the stereotypes have crumbled away. There is little logic in explanations commonly offered for the existence of lesbian, gay and bisexual people.I am sure that you have had many hopes and dreams for Jane, dreams you have held close to your hearts since the day she was born, and that now they seem to have disappeared. I am certain that you will be just as proud of your lesbian daughter once you are more familiar with her lifestyle. She is exactly the same person she always was, it is her middle-aged parents who are now having to open their minds and hearts and do some changing - that's the painful bit. But it is so worthwhile to understand, to be part of her life, her ups and downs, her hopes and dreams - in short just to be there for her.Jane has paid you the compliment of trusting you with her innermost feelings and now it is your turn to give her your unconditional love and support, and to let her know that your feelings for her have not changed. There is still terrible homophobia in the world and Jane needs to know that she won't find it in her home and family.I am sure that like all parents you want to protect her from all the hurt and harm that courageous people attract; a loving and supportive family is the best thing she can have as she goes forward confidently in her life. Parents like us often hear a lot of negative ideas about what it means to be gay, but there just as many positives and on your journey of discovery you will find them. There are so many fallacious ideas about homosexuality that it would take a lot more than this letter to refute them all, but it is true to say that our lesbian and gay daughters and sons suffer a great deal from the misinformed prejudice that our society engenders. Some do not have the support of loving families and this can lead to sad and lonely lives - not what you want for Jane.In our family we were worried at first that our gay son would lead a miserable life, but we were so ignorant at the time, both about the number of lesbians and gay men that there are, and about the quality of their lives.We are so glad now that we were given the opportunity to learn and grow. We might have remained in ignorance of a large and important minority group in our society and been so much the poorer for failing to understand what a wealth of human love, in its many guises, exists on this planet.Maybe you would like to think about contacting Fflag and meeting other parents who have been where you are now. You could talk with us on our helplines (presently 50 parents are listed in the UK) as often and for as long as you like. We would understand just how you are feeling. There are also a number of groups which meet regularly in the U.K in various towns, and we send out useful literature. If you want to know what other parents are doing, you could order our quarterly newsletter - Fflag News. I do hope that my letter helps a little and that your feelings of confusion and isolation will soon dissipate. Sit down with Jane and talk, she wants you to understand and to be able to stay close to you. So remember, it's not that she has changed, simply that now you know her better.
Kindest regards,
Brenda Oakes.


Lesley's Story
The shock of hearing our son say he is gay is one we will always live with. Although I had my suspicions, until he put it into words, you hope it will just not be true. My husband had no idea and was utterly devastated, as too, was I. My son wanted this kept a secret for the moment so there was no one we could talk to and felt there was no way of sharing this sadness and our unhappiness, and being Jewish made it no easier. We adore our son and still do but we didn't know which way to turn for help.We went through all the possible emotions you could think of and I even went to see a psychiatrist to see if that would help me over the depression I felt. I read in the paper an advertisement for a help group called FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). In desperation I 'phoned the number and without giving a name told a very nice man about our situation. When I mentioned I was Jewish, he gave me the number of the Support Group for Parents of Jewish Gays and Lesbians. Eventually I plucked up the courage to 'phone, all the time wondering what if I know the person on the other end? What if this person knows my son and tells someone?I had no need to worry because everything I told the lady who spoke to me was in the strictest confidence. At that time, I didn't give my surname or my son's name but that wasn't a problem because she let me tell her what I wanted to, and when I felt ready to reveal more she was there to listen. She asked me if we would like to come to a meeting that took place every two months in different peoples homes, but at the time I wasn't up to that and my husband didn't want to go.It took us eighteen months for us to be ready to go to a meeting and by then my son had told most of his close friends though not his work colleagues and we had told some of our family. They were very supportive but they couldn't really understand because they were not in the same situation.Two weeks ago we went to our first meeting; of course, we were absolutely terrified - we didn't know what type of people would be there or, again, if we would know someone. We arrived and sat outside for ten minutes trying to pluck up the courage to go in. Eventually we did and we received a very warm welcome, it made us realise that we were not the only family in the world going through this, also it wouldn't have mattered if we would have known anyone (which we didn't) as everyone was in the same boat and had had the same experiences to lesser or greater degrees.We went round the room and everyone there told their story. We thought we wouldn't say anything, which would have been fine too, but halfway through we found ourselves speaking about our experiences and we were relieved to find out that we could talk to people without being judged and who knew exactly what we were talking about. It was such a relief to be honest with a room full of people for the first time in a long while without having to make excuses about why our son wasn't going out with a nice girl. We will go back to the meetings to join in again with other people like ourselves, ordinary families who just happen to have a gay child. I hope that we can also help others to see that there is help out there if you want it. Nothing can ever take the sadness away of not having grandchildren or not seeing our child get married, but we are learning slowly that there are worse things in life that can happen to you and we still have a son who we love and respect and always will.

Howard's Story
I accept and love my son just the way he is. By proud father HOWARD, Bristol Families and Friends

Dear Mr & Mrs Smith,
You have a fine strapping son of whom you feel very proud and then one day he tells you he is gay. A father's worst nightmare? For many men, yes, it probably is, but it shouldn't be. After all, your son is still exactly the same person he was the minute before he told you. One of the greatest fears gay men and women have about revealing their sexuality to their families is that they will be rejected by the people they love most. Sadly, all too often their fears come true. How do I know? Well, I am the father of a gay man myself and in the last five years since he gathered the courage to tell my wife and I, we've met a great many like people. Neither of us knew anything about the gay community before. Now we'd both say that some of the nicest, funniest and most generous people we've ever met are gay. I don't want to paint a rosy picture and tell you that it is easy to hear your son is gay. It's not. In fact, from the family's point of view, that initial knowledge is often linked to going through a bereavement. In some ways that's exactly what it is; the bereavement of your unconscious expectations about the kind of person you expect your son to be and the kind of lifestyle you expect him to have - you know, marriage, children and so on. And then there's the fact that as a parent you want what's best for your son. You can't help worrying that his life will be made so much more difficult as a gay man than as a heterosexual one. My son was 32 when he finally told us about his sexuality, although he'd known since he was a teenager. I have to admit the news came as a bombshell. Neither my wife and I nor his two brothers had suspected a thing, and we were a very close family. What hurt most was the fact he felt unable to share this crucial fact about himself with the people he was closest to. But as he explained to us, "It's the people you love most who you don't want turning against you". He knew deep down that we would never reject him- how could we, he's our son? - but he still had a tiny residue of fear that we might. After all, he knew plenty of people who'd turned out of their homes for good. It never crossed my mind for an instant to reject him. He's my son and he always be. Because I am heterosexual I will never fully understand what it is to be gay. But that will never prevent my accepting him totally for who he is. Coming to terms with the fact that your son is gay is one thing; learning to live with that knowledge is quite another. As my wife says, "We now had the secret too". We still loved our son and certainly weren't ashamed of him but we were worried how other people would react. We were afraid that some of our friends and family would reject him.We were also worried about how our neighbours would respond. We'd lived in our house in Bristol for more than 30 years and the boys grew up here. We left it up to our son to decide when the time was right to let other people know. And then there was the problem - just how do you do this? After all, you don't walk into a pub and shout, "I'm heterosexual"
In the end we needn't have worried so much. News gradually got out and none of our friends and family reacted badly. Quite the opposite in fact. Our neighbours were also fantastic. They all immediately came to the house saying, "Why did you keep it secret for so long, why didn't you say anything?" It was a very emotional moment for us. Perhaps we have been luckier than most in people's reactions. But we are still sad about the fact that our son felt he had to hide who he was throughout his youth. Our son came out at an unusually late age; most gay people know they are homosexual in their teens. But homosexuality was not discussed at all when he was at school and so he was forced to struggle with 'being different' alone. That's why I am so disappointed, though not surprised, that the House of Lords rejected the Government's proposal to reject Section 28.
(This letter was written before 2006. Section 28 has now been rejected)
There's been a lot of rubbish talked about Section 28 and how getting rid of it would enable homosexuality to be 'promoted' in schools. There is nothing to stop teachers talking about homosexuality, even with Section 28 in place. Instead it has been used as a wall for people to hide behind if they don't want to discuss the issue. One thing is certain; you won't make a child gay by discussing it at school. We've always said that we just want our children to be happy and to do what they may want in life. Our son is happy now, fortunately, and our relationship is stronger than ever. The other day he told my wife, "I don't tell you often enough how proud I am of you and dad." We are also incredibly proud of him.
Reproduced by courtesy of the Western Daily Press

For further assistance contact
www.fflag.org.uk/

Famous gays from history - http://www.infopt.demon.co.uk/greatga3.htm